Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
