so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
