Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
