But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
