i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
PS: I just woke up from my shower
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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