wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
