it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
did i walk over a car last night?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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