I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
