I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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