A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
All the doctor said was why
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
