Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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