I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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