Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
