dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
