I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
