My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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