I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
