that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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