What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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