you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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