My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
