Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
