I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
