She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i've created a new STD.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
