I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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