I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I will be naked everywhere
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
