The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
