so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
