You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
