alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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