so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
