hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
