take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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