i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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