she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
