I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
