i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the day after is always just damage control
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
