after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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