I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize