guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
