He kissed a someone with a penis
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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