I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
