I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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