walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
