you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
