You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
