i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
