Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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