I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
