Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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