Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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