Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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