I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
