Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
