Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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