I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
