Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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