he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
