Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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