I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
