U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
