You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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