my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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