Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
