There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
